I didn’t know what to write for this blog post, so I asked The Brain Goddess Hanna for some ideas. Kristin (she refuses to be linked) is The Ruler of the Brain Goddess. Anyways, Hanna recommended that I write about ice cream.

One thing I’ll never be able to understand is green-tea ice cream. Why green tea? Ice cream companies could’ve chosen at least something more reasonable like raspberry tea or honey tea or or something, but nooo, they opted for the weird way out.

It doesn’t even TASTE like actual green tea. Well truth be told it’d be kind of impossible to make accurately flavored green tea ice cream, since ice cream has some sort of milk/cream-ish thing dumped in there, and traditionally green tea (or any East-Asian tea for that matter) is not mixed in with secretion from cow udders. That’s just gross.

Green tea ice cream tastes similar to the way mothballs smell and leaves a very strange and powdery sensation in your mouth, especially when you try to mash it up with your tongue a couple times.

In fact, I don’t understand why anything has to be green tea-flavored, other than green tea itself. Yesterday I saw a pack of “Green Tea Mints” for sale in some sort of store. What the hell?! Green Tea Mints?! How is that supposed to freshen your breath? O_o The green tea that I know doesn’t have much of a strong taste, so combining it with something like mint just makes no sense. Unless the green tea flavor in the “Green Tea Mints” is the ice cream green tea flavor, which then that’s really nasty. A zest of mothball-ishness and a powdery aftertaste combined with the zing of mint? It’ll make your breath worse, if anything.

Actually, why can’t we just leave mints alone? I really don’t know why we as humans feel the need to consume mints that are “citrus flavored” or “peach flavored” or “melon flavored” or “coffee flavored” (”coffee-flavored mint” a bit of an oxymoron, considering that coffee tends to make one’s breath smell not unlike rotting car exhaust). Do humans need any more of an incentive to suck on mints other than to freshen breath? I thought the possibility of being branded with the letter “B” for Bad Breath and therefore becoming a social leper forever destined to lurk outside the edges of social life (whilst breathing air smelling of turds into everyone’s face) was incentive enough.

I would complain about strawberry flavored Cheetos and coffee-flavored milk (YOU CANNOT CALL THAT VILE CONCOCTION “COFFEE”. THE NEXT CRETIN THAT CALLS THAT CRAP “COFFEE” GETS A WHOMP TO THE FACE AND A MACHETE IN THE BACK), but I am much too tired and would rather squash goombas than piss myself off by listing all the lets-put-together-any-sort-of-crap-flavor-and-see-if-it-will-sell “food products” that are roaming the world.