I wrote this rant about the “Twilight Saga” (I love how they make it seem so much cooler than it really is) a long time ago (probably at around 4 AM) when I had just finished reading Breaking Dawn. Okay I admit, I didn’t get through the whole book (reasons are covered below). The utter lunacy spilling from the pages of the book forced me to stop and I read the end on wikipedia. The first time I’ve ever had to do that. ANYWAYS, I thought this rant would be interesting to post up. See if you agree!

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So I pretty just wasted about, oh I don’t know, EIGHT HOURS OF MY LIFE. And no, it was not wasted on some weird, overly-drawn out Indian movie, but on a book. Breaking Dawn to be exact.

Ok, let me rephrase. Technically, I have wasted 8345834 HOURS OF MY LIFE by reluctantly trudging through the dungpit-esque books of the “Twilight saga.” From Twilight to New Moon to Eclipse, I have dragged my self through the possibly non-existent plot in a strange love-hate relationship with the books, despising and craving at the same time. I don’t know how to describe it…it’s kinda like when you’re watching a seriously dumbtarded movie and yet you’re still compelled to watch it to the very end, only to scream in frustration and throw a hatchet at the TV monitor when you DO reach the end. (A perfect example would be this Japanese movie I watched a long time ago, where a ton of useless crap happens and then the main character dies of ovarian cancer or something.)

But dude. Woah. Breaking Dawn?

DO. NOT. WANT.

Breaking Dawn is where I had to draw the freakin LINE. Man, it wasn’t even a line. It was like the Great Wall of China with barbed wire and tasers on top. I couldn’t even finish the book. You know what I had to do? I had to go to wikipedia and read the spoilers, which is the number one thing i hate doing when it comes to reading books.

Where to start?!

First off, throughout the whole series, it pissed me off so much how

a) Bella was ALWAYS like “omfg edward so hotttt” and just wouldn’t st*u about it.

b) Bella has like seriously, NO SELF ESTEEM WHATSOEVER. “I feel like a lumpy piece of coal when I stand next to Edward.” (or something to that effect.) WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS SHE SENDING TO HER AUDIENCE, WHICH IS MAINLY COMPRISED OF BORDER-HORMONAL, PRE-PUBSCENT TWEENY BOPPERS THAT DRULZ AT EVERY EDWARD SPARKLE?! (Despite the fact that its “young adult fiction”.) If Bella, who is madly in LURRRVE with her “shimmery, eyed” bloodsucking stud muffin (aka Edward), keeps comparing herself to him at every chance she gets and puts herself down, how do you think young girls would feel next to their boyfriends or some guy that they deem hotter than themselves?

c) And this damsel in distress party got sooooo old. And her being all clumsy and awkward, but endearingly so. And also her being oblivious to the advances of the guys in her school, claiming that she’s just “ordinary” and “plain.” (But she is.)

d) i HATE how she led Jacob on SO MUCH. WHAT THE HAELL MAN?! During that one period Edward was gone, she literally used Jacob like a drug (I’m pretty sure she admitted herself in a chapter, in fact.) Then Edward pops out of nowhere, and its like, “o hay, lulz sry mah bad bb but ilyily!!!<33 kthxbi.” She can’t even let him go later on; every single chapter she keeps saying “But Jacob I love you so much you’re a part of me!”

SHUT UP!!!

wtfink is that even possible? What is going through Meyer’s mind?

But all this is whatever. Just nagging itches at the back of my head, compared to the asplosion of my brain cells that occurred after reading Breaking Dawn.

One, I know tthe books are young adult fiction, but honestly the REAL age group the books are attracting is again, the tweeny boppers. And Breaking Dawn, let’s just say that there are a lot of….”mature” scenes, even though the author narrates them like a prude (and I ask myself: WHY include mature scenes if you’re going to narrate them in the same way a father might have an awkward birds-and-the-bees talk with his wide-eyed son? Is the author trying to make the characters seem more “real”? There’s NOTHING real about a perfect romance with a freakin vampire.) Reading through those scenes, and trust me there are quite a few of them, just made me feel really awkward and bothered.

Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but Stephenie Meyer seems to emphasize external beauty so much. Bella, who constantly compares herself to everyone, says she feels “sick to her stomach” when she’s in the same room as Rosalie because she is such a “knock out.” Gee, thanks for the ego boost there. Even on her wedding day, Bella is unable to look at her reflection in the mirror because she fears that it is ugly. Wouldn’t that be called some sort of body-image disorder or something!? And in the end, she becomes a vampire, through really weird and disturbing means, and at first all she can do is admire herself in the mirror and gloat that finally she feels “equal” with Edward.

Speaking of weird and disturbing, what the hell is up with the demon child sprouting up in Bella’s belly and killing her from the inside out? How can a vampire and human have a baby?! I thought vampires….nevermind. And then there’s this whole gory thing where she has to drink blood and then suddenly she starts spewing fountains of blood so finally Edward has to literally gnaw his way through Bella’s utureus to free the baby. With his teeth, since apparently vampire teeth are the only things strong enough to tear the placenta of a half-human baby.

I’m serious.

And to top it all off, the ONE character that I liked, the ONE character that made me push myself through all three and two-thirds of these books, imprints himself on a newborn (talking about Jacob here). A NEWBORN!!! THAT WILL BE IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF CHILDHOOD! Dude, now this is getting too ethically touchy. I mean…pedo, much? After I figured out that Jacob imprints himself on the baby, I shut the book and shook my fists to the heavens in despair.

And then all this useless drama happens where the Volturi are like “o noez half human demon child! must exterminate!” but Bella and the gang are like “no wai r yooh tuchin mah babi!” etc.

I must give Stephenie MEyer credit for one thing, however. She has a talent for cracked writing. Why else would I read all four books.

I need a life.

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I still feel the same way.